


This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine

by Mimisempai



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Happy Ending, Kat is amazing, Kat is the best cupid, M/M, Post-Episode: s22e04 Sightless in a Savage Land, Rafael is here for that, Romantic Fluff, Sonny deserves a lot of love, Texting, Valentine's Day
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-14
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-15 18:47:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,105
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29440683
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mimisempai/pseuds/Mimisempai
Summary: Since Rafael's departure, Sonny has been writing him messages but never sends them.Kat discovers this, and wanting to help her new friend Sonny she puts her two cents in, because if she doesn't look out for her friend, who will?Does the end justify the means?Does a friend's happiness justify a little betrayal?And above all, will Rafael live up to Kat's hopes?
Relationships: Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr. & Katriona "Kat" Azar Tamin, Rafael Barba/Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr.
Comments: 10
Kudos: 41





	This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine

**Author's Note:**

  * For [mforpaul](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mforpaul/gifts).



> My first Valentine fanfiction (not really a lot about it but...)  
> I realize that this marks the anniversary of my actual entry into this fandom.  
> This fandom has brought me a lot of joy, sometimes a little sadness, but that's normal, it's like life, if everything was perfect It would be boring.  
> In one year I met exceptional and beautiful people.  
> This fanfic is for mforpaul, the first person of this fandom that I met. And it is for the readers who follow me, the anonymous and the known.  
> Your kudos, your comments, your feedback have nourished me and helped me to move forward on this path.  
> Thank you so much.

- _You know, Rafael, that case with the judge was tough_

Sonny's fingers were flying over his phone, 

- _But then I thought of you, who got called a Spanish dandy._

" _Counselor!_ "

He jumped slightly before abruptly closing his phone, hiding the screen from the young woman who had just entered his office, without knocking as usual.

"Kat..." sighed Sonny, "Why embarrass yourself with formalities, when you don't even have the courtesy to knock before entering."

"It's not as if your office door isn't always open, Sonny," the young detective replied with a sneer. 

Sonny couldn't hold back his own smile. Curiously, despite her perpetual impertinence and her overflowing energy, which reminded him of his own before the weight of his ADA load was on his shoulders, he finally got along with the young woman.

"Okay, okay, what brings you here?" Sonny replied, opening a small bottle of pepto, the only remedy that soothed his stomach those days. He was about to bring the bottle to his lips when Kat stopped him.

"Stop with that, what you need is a real meal, and in an environment other than your office. So you hurry up and give me my warrants, I'll bring them to the precinct and we'll meet at Forlini's for lunch."

"Kat... I don't have time."

"That's the excuse we use to justify ourselves. You don't have time, you take it."

Sonny showed her the stack of files on his desk and the chart of case assignments outside the office, the longest list being under Sonny's name. He raised an eyebrow, "Does that sound like an excuse to you?"

"Sonny... whether you take 45 minutes to eat or not, they'll always be there. Come on, you look exhausted, you need that break."

Sonny didn't let her beg him longer, because he really was in a perpetual state of exhaustion at the moment, not to mention this feeling of melancholy that had been chasing him since he had seen a certain lawyer again. But he didn't linger on the subject, he had become good at ignoring what was making him think too much.

"All right... but no longer."

"I promise!" Kat just patted him on the shoulder, "You'll see what good it'll do you." Then she clapped her hands and went, "Well, where are those warrants?"

Sonny handed her the warrants, and on a " _See you later, don't forget!"_ the young detective left as she had come, in a gust of wind. Sonny could not hold back a smile again while shaking his head. 

He was still surprised by the friendship he had been sharing with Kat. It had taken them some time to understand each other. Sonny saw too much of himself in her, and she didn't understand how he could make certain decisions after being a cop.

But, in one of their last cases, when they had gotten into another fight, Sonny asked her why she didn't like him. Kat gave an honest answer, and that's what Sonny had been missing since he became an ADA. He felt like everyone was treading warily with him, even Olivia. But Kat wasn't. No doublespeak, just the pure truth. And later, instead of blaming him like he thought she would, she came to assure him otherwise.

Finally, after the case against Judge Gallagher, when the two of them had lingered at Forlini’s, they had talked and shared a lot of things, and since then, even though they often argued professionally, they had put things in perspective, and it was the first time that Sonny felt so close to someone again. So as he closed the door of his office behind him on his way to meet her, he was looking forward to this little break, like someone who saw a single ray of sunshine in the middle of a thick fog.

He had arrived early, took a table for them and sat with his back to the entrance. While waiting for Kat, he took his phone and continued the message that he had started earlier.

_-... but then I thought of you, who had been called a 'Spanish dandy', Mike had said that his father had been impressed because you had just smiled and stayed super calm. And I wondered at that moment how you found the strength to react like that, because all I wanted to do was jump down the judge's throat. I still have this feeling of anger inside of me, and if Olivia hadn't held me back, I don't know what I would have done. Rafael, everything is so hard, and having to see you to let you go again makes it even harder, I..._

"Oh? Is someone texting with his beloved mentor?" 

Kat went to sit in front of him, trying to look at his screen. 

Sonny closed is phone and stammered, "Uh... not really, I..."

"Wow! What eloquence! Remind me, what do you do for a living? Because if you're a lawyer, you'd better get a new career. Come on Sonny, it's not like you're writing a love letter to Counselor Barba."

Seeing that Sonny was silent, Kat realized that something was wrong and looked at him more seriously.

"Oh..." her features softened, "Sonny, I'm sorry...'".

"What? Why?"

"I didn't think that..."

"What? what do you think it is?" Sonny replied defensively.

Kat put her hand on his arm, "You love him, don't you?"

Sonny couldn't find the strength to deny it, for once he wanted to let down his hat, to stop worrying about keeping up appearances. He simply whispered, lowering his head, "Yes..." 

Kat just pressed his arm a little bit more, "Do you want to tell me about it?"

"Ha, I wouldn't even know where to start because I'm so pitiful," Sonny laughs at himself as he leans back in his chair. "You want me to tell you about how I was fascinated during the first few months, to the point of taking his jokes at my expense, how I was in awe when he agreed to take me under his wing, against his will, but that I could see his way of working...

"That sounds more like idolatry than love to me," Kat replied, unable to hold back.

"If only Kat... if only. It would have been true, if it wasn't for the physical attraction, the fact that despite what he did three years ago, which should have brought him down from his pedestal, I loved him even more, because finally I saw that he was fallible, I felt that I could get closer to him, but that's when he left. And then he comes back and not only do I confront him, but I win against him and he congratulates me... and me? What do I do, I let him go!"

"What's stopping you from telling him Sonny? From what I've seen, he respects you and seems to like you a lot." Kat had been observing people for a long time and there were a lot of signs that didn't lie, she continued, "And you've been writing to him, no?"

"What did you see? No, I'm not writing to him. At least, not for real. Since he's gone, I've written everything I didn't or couldn't tell him, and since I'm a geek, I do it in a message that I send to myself. Pathetic huh? Go ahead, you can laugh!"

Sonny pinched the bridge of his nose before putting his head in his hands.

"Hey Sonny, you're not pathetic. You love and have fallen in love with someone you think is unattainable, but I don't think he is. You couldn't see him at Mickey's trial, but I saw how proud he looked of you, and the way he sat on your table, do you think that was for the jury or for you? Hm?" Kat asked, raising her eyebrows suggestively.

Sonny couldn't help but laugh slightly, but Kat saw that she hadn't convinced him.

"Can we talk about something else Kat please? You promised me a meal to relax."

"Okay, Sonny." She knew when she had to stop.

"I'm going to freshen up, if the waiter comes, order the daily special for me."

"Okay." Once Sonny away, her eyes fell on his phone. An idea began to sprout in her head. She quickly grabbed the phone and had no trouble unlocking it, Sonny having confided to her that he had left it at the default 0000, because he never remembered his codes.

The screen was on the message she had overheard, she quickly copied it, emailed it to herself before erasing all evidence - the advantage of being a detective. Then taking advantage of the fact that the waiter came to take the order and was between their table and the bathroom door, she slid Sonny's phone directly to the place he was before.

When Sonny returned, she smiled at him innocently, then they had their meal conversing about things and other things like two friends know how to do. When the meal was over, as they were each going back to their place of work, Sonny just squeezed her hand and said softly, "Thank you Kat."

"You're welcome Sonny," then she walked away and whispered to herself, "and don't worry Sonny, it's going to be okay." 

She wanted to reassure him because, even though they argued sometimes at work, she could see that Sonny was a good person, and in their milieu, in their profession, that was rare. 

Although she was younger than him, she wanted to protect him because no one else was doing it for him. Now she was going to do everything she could to make sure that at least one more person cared for him, even if that person didn't know it yet. She couldn't wait to get to the precinct to put her plan into action. She just hoped that the other person involved would react the way she hoped, but at worst Sonny wouldn't know anything.

Arriving at the precinct, taking advantage of a moment when she was alone, she searched through the files on her computer, she was sure they had Barba's contact information in the Mickey Davis case file. Once she found Barba's email address she sent him the following message.

  
  


**_"Counselor Barba,_ **

**_We don't know each other very well, but we do have in common a person who has become a close friend. I'm talking about Sonny of course._ **

**_I'm sending you a series of messages that he never sent you as an attachment._ **

**_I took the liberty of doing this for him, because I can't stand to see him unhappy when he deserves better. But that happiness will depend on your reaction._ **

**_I am simply asking you, if you choose not to respond positively to these messages, to ignore them, Sonny doesn't know anything about it and if you don't respond, he won't know._ **

**_But my intuition is rarely wrong so I know you will respond (judging by the ostentatious way your eyes look at certain parts of his anatomy when you think no one sees you)._ **

**_I hope you have read this email all the way through._ **

**_Have a nice day._ **

**_Yours sincerely._ **

**_Kat Tamin."_ **

Kat quickly reread the e-mail, added Sonny's messages as attachments and clicked 'sending'.

She was beginning to sort through some papers when she heard the characteristic sound that indicated she had mail. She opened her mailbox and read Barba's reply. A smile lit up her face.

**_"Message received detective. I'm taking over."_ **

Nothing else, but Kat had a feeling that everything was going to be okay with Sonny.

_____

A moment later, in his office on the 8th floor of 1 Hogan Place, Sonny was surprised to receive a message from an unknown number. He begun to read it and he was even more surprised.

_-Carisi, it hasn't been that long since we saw each other, but we haven't had the opportunity to really talk. I'm away from New York for 15 days on a consulting mission for the Innocence Project, but I'd love to see you when I get back, just to make up for lost time. Rafael.-_

To say that Sonny's heart was beating fast would be an understatement. It's a good thing he was sitting down. Rafael, contacted him, asked him to meet him, sign with his first name. He pinched his cheek very hard.

"Ouch!" It was true, it was not one of his illusions.

He tried to calm down a little, and also let a little time pass before answering, so that he didn't seem too eager. Then he answered _._

_-Rafael, I will be very happy to see you again. Your time will be my time in the place of your choice, on the day of your choice. But I'm curious, why now all of a sudden?"_

The answer was not long in coming.

_-Let's just say that I appreciated having you as an opponent, and I also had the impression that there were things you wanted to say at the bar, but that the presence of your former colleagues and my hasty departure prevented you from saying them. And then I'd like you to tell me what it feels like to be in my shoes?_

_-Who are you and what have you done with Rafael Barba?_

_-Life events have made me aware of certain things and re-evaluate my relationship with certain people. Also I don't like unfinished things, but we will discuss this subject when we are face to face. I think you have work to do now, don't you?_

_-Are you my boss?_

_-No, but I know what it's like to be a junior ADA._

_-If you knew... but you're right, I have work to do. So I'm done for now. Until next time._

_-Have a nice day Sonny._

Sonny didn't start working right away, he couldn't believe what had just happened, he had the impression that he had exchanged more things with Rafael in 5 minutes of texts than in 5 years of collaboration. He couldn't believe the simplicity with which they had talked. What he was sure of was that he looked forward to the next message.

____

  
  


Several hundred kilometers away, in a hotel room, sitting in front of his computer, Rafael was just as surprised as Sonny, even if not for the same reason. Despite the easy exchange with the young man, he was surprised by the messages Kat had sent him. Messages that had rekindled the hope he had long since lost.

Transferring them to his cell phone, he sat down on the bed, against the headboard, to read them again, more quietly. It seemed that Sonny had started the messages after Rafael had left. They were like letters that went around for a whole year. 

If things went as Rafael hoped in the near future, there were several points he would really like to discuss with Sonny. But he would say all the truth to Sonny because there was no way that his potential history with Sonny would start with a lie.

He began to read. 

The first message was dated just a few days after he left, and it ran until Stone, his replacement, left.

- _Dear Rafael,_

_I realize how pathetic I can sound, writing messages like this when I would never send them. But I can't talk to you since you ran away! I am so angry! Oh not because of what you did! Who am I to judge your act? I know it must have taken courage from you, because I can't imagine that, being a control freak, you have not fully thought about the consequences of that act. I am angry because you left! You left and you didn't say anything! You didn't even say goodbye! Not even to me! Yes me! Even though it sounds selfish! After all I don't care, only I will read this. I'm mad at you for disappearing. You swept everything away. You swept me away. In fact, that's it, I was nothing! Just a poor stain on your path. A thorn in your foot that you got rid of just like that!_

The message resumed a few days later.

_-Even though the anger is not as strong anymore, the disappointment is still there. I'm disappointed that you didn't think I was important enough to you to not bother talking to me. But once again it is my selfishness that speaks, I know your decision is bigger than me (everything is bigger than me) but I am human and if I can't say what I feel here, while I send messages to myself, where could I ?_

_-Already a month after you left, the disappointment has turned into bitterness, and I blame myself for having had all these bad thoughts about you. Your absence is felt so much. The other night, as I was about to join Stone, your replacement, in our bar, he was sitting in YOUR chair. I felt an anger come over me, before telling me he couldn't know. But then I realized that you were really gone. That I had to get used to it. And I did. You are now somewhere in the corner of my mind. A fragment, like a far feeling of melancholy that doesn't leave me if I dwell on it. So I'm going to keep moving forward. Who knows, maybe one day we'll meet again._

Although Sonny had been one of his great regrets when he had left, Rafael had not thought that this had been the case for the young man. He had seen Sonny's admiration, but he thought that with what he had done, he had surely destroyed the image the young detective had of him. He was more than surprised that Sonny, the Catholic par excellence, had enough mercy in him to accept what he had done. Though he was even more surprised that the young man resented him for leaving.

He resumed his reading. It was a sporadic description of the cases that followed, the rape of Sonny's niece and his almost perjury, the way he almost altered testimony to spare a guilty verdict, and Sonny described what he was going through. Rafael could see through these messages the man who was taking shape, the ADA he had confronted a few weeks ago. Before, Sonny seemed to him to be someone who could discern all shades of color, that extraordinary empathy that allowed him to see things that others couldn't see. Now it seemed to him that Sonny had dived deeper and could now discern all shades of gray as well. And that it was torturing him. It was so visible through his messages, when he explained the choices he had made. 

Rafael arrived at the moment of Stone's departure. As he read it, he had the impression, with a slight twinge of heart, that a kind of bond had been created between Stone and Sonny. But what he read next made the scales fall from his eyes.

_-Well, I knew it! Olivia has just announced that Stone is stepping down as ADA. I suspected it, he always seemed to be one foot here and one foot there. And now that I've tried, now that he's gone I can honestly say it, he was not you. I deluded myself into thinking that I could replace you. No one can. No one can. How many times when he made a decision, I asked myself, 'What would Rafael have done?' And now I wonder who's going to replace him? Who will I have to get used to again? Who will I once again compare to you? As I read these few lines again, I wonder why I am so obsessed with you, and I am afraid to answer. I'm not ready to face what it means. I'm not ready yet._

Rafael, who had already gone through the messages once, knew what was coming, but couldn't stop his heart from beating faster in anticipation of the words to be read.

The message resumed a few days later.

_-I can't believe it! Impossible! I'm not worthy! What's wrong with McCoy?! What's wrong with me to accept it?! I'm never going to make it. Me?! ADA?! Me?! Take your place? Tomorrow already, I have to pack my stuff, so fast..._

Rafael would have wanted to be there to see this so badly when he heard the news from Liv. But he had made the choice to stay away at that time because he didn't feel strong enough to come back.

_-Tonight there was a surprise party for my departure, Chief Dodds was pretty nice, but the way Hadid, my new boss, spoke, makes me think I won't be allowed to forget where I came from. 'I understand there is a 90 days return policy'. That's what she said. I did what I always do, I smiled, I laughed with them at my own depends._ _I'm used to low blows. But even the worst of your mockery didn't hurt me so much inside. Why is everything always difficult? Fin even said, 'You're passing over to the dark side of force.'_ _Is this what my life will be like?_ _On the one hand, my old colleagues who will consider me a traitor and on the other hand my new colleagues who will consider me a outsider? And once again at this moment I missed your presence._ _Because if I am there, it is because you are no longer there._ _Now that it's about me that others will think, 'What would Barba have said?'_

Rafael's first instinct was to pack everything up and go back to New York and see Sonny right away. But his reason made him realize that this message was more than a year old. That since Sonny had become stronger if he believed their last meeting. He really had to fight him. Sonny didn't steal his ADA position. Rafael settled back in and continued reading.

_-I'm starting to get it, even though I'm drowning in files. How did you do it? I could only survive on caffeine and pepto. Now I understand why your cup seemed to stick to your hand. Today Rollins made me understand that only in adversity you do know who are your true friends. She accused me of letting her down, that they were drowning in files because of my absence. Olivia scolded us like kids. It's one more connection that's fading away, it's like I can't seem to keep anyone in my life. Is it me or is it this job? I don't know anymore. Sometimes I wonder if I made the right choice in accepting. I feel like all the lawyers only see me as the old cop and don't take me seriously. Maybe I should transfer._

No one should have to fight so hard, Rafael thought. He already had admiration -without telling him because it wasn't his type- at the time for Sonny, because succeeding in law while working as a full-time cop was impressive. But now his admiration increased when he saw what he had to endure. Sonny had been condescended to as a cop and now it's like he's starting all over again as an ADA. Whereas Sonny was anything but condescending. Rafael had never seen him behave sufficiently towards anyone. He didn't deserve that. Rafael was even more hopeful that things would turn out the way he hoped to prove to Sonny that he deserved all the respect in the world and that he was worthy.

He scrolled down the page to continue his reading, coming to one of the passages that would become one of his favorites, Sonny's first victory.

_-I can't believe one of my first lawsuits was against former Judge Barth, I respected her so much and now she's defending the worst kind of trash. It's even harder. Plus as a lawyer she's unfortunately excellent. Today she annihilated my victim. And I was this close to giving up, I had even written my letter of resignation, but I didn't send it for several reasons. And the first was you, I don't know why I remembered the look you had on your face the first time you told me I was right and what, greedy as I was, I took for pride. But that I'll never know._

Rafael remembered this moment, perfectly even. Sonny was not mistaken, it was pride. Even if he had said that it cost him to say that Sonny was right, internally it hadn't cost him anything. It had been like watching a caterpillar become a butterfly. Rafael knew that from that moment on his feelings began to be much less defined, or more, depending on how you look at it.

_-I won, I can't believe it! I've won! How I wish you could have seen that! The recognition in Liv's eyes was something, but I missed your approval. When the verdict was pronounced, I turned around, and it was as if I was expecting you, but you weren't there. And the disappointment and melancholy came back. But I ignored them because to fight them would be to admit another truth that hurts much more. So I savored this victory, in secret I dedicate it to you and I will continue to move forward, to finally come out of your shadow._

Rafael's throat tightened, the emotion threatening to overwhelm him. Once again the impulse to find Sonny right away was almost irresistible, but he couldn't do that to him. He was going to do the right thing. He calmed down, went to help himself to a glass of scotch, then took his place on the bed and continued reading. He followed with passion the ups and downs of Sonny's new life, his disappointments, his victories. He was happy to see that he had made a new friend in Kat. And considering what she had just done for both of them, and especially for Sonny, he thought that perhaps Sonny had finally found a friend worthy of him and what he had to offer. He laughed at Sonny's anecdotes about her, his exasperation with her behaviour, which reminded Rafael of a certain young detective with a moustache in his early days. 

And then he arrived at the message of their "reunion".

_-Who would have thought that when we meet again it will be to confront each other. I was so happy to see you again. To hear 'Carisi' with your voice again. All this to be able to face each other in court. But when you told me 'You've really become a lawyer' I didn't know if it was because I was behaving like a lawyer or because you were congratulating me._ _I am always so insecure every time I come face to face with you. Even though our roles have changed. And I've had to face the semi betrayal of my former teammates, it was hard enough to fight against you, but I've had to fight against them too._ _When I thought I was done, you turned down the deal, you pushed me further. I never realized that you knew I was coming to all your closing arguments. The shock for me. You knew! And when you congratulated me, you understood the bitterness of this victory, only you could understand. And I would have liked to talk about it with you, I would have liked to prolong those moments to tell you that I..._ _but I couldn't, because you left, once again you turned your back on me and the bitterness came back and the melancholy came back and this feeling so strong that I refused to admit to myself until today, the sadness. Why is it that since you are no longer here I have this gaping hole in me that won't close? If I answer this question here, if I admit to myself what I really feel, will it get better? I'm afraid that if I write these words, the hole will be even bigger. But I can't hold them back any longer. I LOVE YOU._

Although he had already read it once, and that's what made him decide to act, Rafael felt the same shock again as when he first read it. There, white on black, in capital letters, Sonny laid his heart bare. The words, the letters seemed to be printed on Rafael's retina. That's why Rafael didn't want to rush. That's why Rafael was going to follow the path he had set for himself. So that at no time in the end would Sonny have any doubts about him and his feelings towards him. 

The messages had almost stopped there, there was the beginning of a message about Sonny's last case, but Rafael thought it was something they would speak about face to face if everything went as planned. 

Everything was going to depend on Sonny's reaction to his next message. He quickly wrote a message to Kat, warning her that he was going to tell Sonny the truth. Then began his first message to Sonny.

  
  


____

  
  


A few moments later, still in his office at 1 Place Hogan, Sonny saw his cell phone ring. It was Rafael.

_-Sonny, I really want you to read this message to the end._ _And in advance, know that everything that has been done or said and is going to be done or said, has been and will be for your own good. I'll get right to the point. Imagine my surprise when at the beginning of the afternoon I received an email from one of your close friends who I hope will become a mutual friend, Kat._

Sonny's heart had a slight start, the geras of his brain working at full speed. He resumed reading.

_-She sent me some messages that you were writing to me without actually sending them to me._

In shock, Sonny dropped his phone on the desk. Kat! How could she do this to him?! He almost felt hyperventilating as he was rushing through everything he had written in his head. Then he picked up the phone again.

_-She only did that for your happiness. Her words. Don't be angry with her. Sonny, I want to take the time until I see you, if you still want to, to answer these messages. It's my turn to reveal the truth and even if you didn't want me to, I want to do it. Because I want us to be on an equal footing. Take the time to answer me. You're the one with all the cards in your hand, I promise you I will respect your decision, no matter which one you'll take. You tell me no, we'll never talk about it again. And above all, don't blame Kat._

Sonny put the phone down on the desk, and held his head in his hands. He was in the grip of so much emotion. Relief and at the same time fear of knowing that Rafael knew his feelings, all his feelings. Anger and gratitude to Kat for what she had done. And most of all, the envy, the yearning... to believe. 

So Sonny decided to do what he did when he didn't know anymore. He got up, took his things and went to the nearest church. When he lost all his bearings, that's where he would go, with his rosary in his hand, getting lost in prayer and meditation. He stayed there for long minutes, for almost an hour. When he came out, he knew what he had to do, but he gave himself time. He went home. Showered and changed into something casual. He had a beer and sat on the couch with his phone in his hand. 

He wrote his first message.

To Kat: _-I'm angry with you, but I forgive you (not right away, I'm Italian.)_

Then to Rafael, he decided not to think about his message before typing and to say what he cared about, without embellishment, because he didn't want to pretend anymore. That's what he typed first.

_-Rafael, before we go on with anything, know that I'm going to speak to you with my heart, I'm not going to weigh my words or measure my words, I'm not going to be who I think you want me to be, I'm going to be me, Sonny. Just like in my messages. And I only want to continue talking to you if you're willing to do the same. No more double meanings, no more twisting. This isn't a courtroom, it's just you and me._

He pressed send and by the time he had typed this message, Kat had already answered him.

_-Thank you, and I only want your happiness. Don't forget that. And when you forgive me, I want to know EVERYTHING!_

He smiled slightly before taking a sip, contemplating the dancing points of his conversation with Rafael, until the message appeared.

_-I completely agree. No more pretense. The truth. I suggest I respond to your unsend messages. Let's talk about it. And I think that by texting is the ideal. That way, the field will be clear when we meet, if at that time it's still what you want._

Even if he didn't answer, Sonny was pretty sure that nothing except a complete rejection of Rafael would prevent him from meeting him.

_-I agree._ He simply replied.

_-But not tonight, it's late. And you need to get some rest. Like you said, I know what it's like._

_-Yes, mom._

_-I'm serious, Sonny. Don't think I haven't noticed that everywhere you go you have a bottle of pepto. Plus you admitted it yourself._

_-That's not fair! You know everything._

_-Don't worry, I'll put the scales back on. Good night, Sonny._

_-Good night Rafael._

Sonny went to brush his teeth and went to bed. For the first time in months, he fell asleep right away and slept soundly.

The next day, he and Rafael began a text exchange. They saved the serious discussion for the evening. It was Sonny who sent the first message once he got home. This did not prevent them from exchanging other messages throughout the day. The prospect of this exchange in the evening gave Sonny something to look forward to. It made him want to go home.

As the days progressed, they got closer to Sonny's last confession and Rafael's return date. They had exchanged in all sincerity, as they had promised each other, without pretense.

Rafael had explained the reasons for his hasty departure, Sonny had apologized for bringing everything back to him, for not having seen the big picture. Rafael had told him that he understood, and that for both of them it was the past, a past that had forged them, changed them, but that they had surpassed and from which they had come out greater in the end.

Rafael had addressed with great delicacy, what he felt in Sonny was his greatest weakness, which was evident in his messages, his feeling of inadequacy. They had talked a lot about it. Rafael wanted to be reassuring without being patronizing.

As the threads of their relationship were unraveled, they both felt that a lightness, an ease was taking hold.

The texts became more and more natural, with the kind of play they had before Rafael's departure but without the weight of work.

They approached the elephant in the room but without touching it because it was clear to them that it could not be done by message.

Two days before Rafael's return, which would be Friday, they agreed to meet at Sonny's, because they knew that no matter what happened, their discussion would not be the kind of discussion you can have in a bar or restaurant. They needed to be free from the gaze of others. To be able to react without having to restrain themselves.

Sonny had gone to see Hadid and told her he was taking a half day. He did not ask, he only told her. Because it was his right (with more than 100 hours of overtime and countless days of leave not taken) and because he had this newfound confidence that conversations with Rafael put in him.

Everything was fine between Kat and him. Considering what the last 2 weeks had changed in his life, he couldn't blame her, even if he had changed his cell phone code now. Because now his cell phone wasn't only his secrets. What he and Rafael told each other had to stay between them. Even if he told Kat a lot.

The day of the meeting was getting closer and even though things were going extremely well between him and Rafael, he was afraid that reality would change things. So Kat reassured him, telling him that the little she knew about Rafael showed her that he was sincere. Though she was beginning to know Sonny well, and she knew that as long as he didn't see it with his own eyes, he wouldn't be completely convinced. She found him adorable and touching in a way when he asked her opinion on what he should wear when he saw Rafael. Although she didn't think Rafael would care, she advised Sonny because she knew it would reassure him.

When the day came, Sonny went home in the early afternoon. To avoid being overwhelmed by his nervousness, he decided to prepare for the evening ahead and take some time for himself, something he hadn't done in a long time.

A few hours later, everything was ready and so was he. Rafael was due to arrive in 10 minutes. 

He took a small selfie in front of his mirror and sent it to Kat. The answer was not long in coming.

_-Smile and he won't resist!_ 😏😏😏

Sonny blushed slightly. If everything went well, he would have to give Kat a huge gift. He quickly looked up with an imploring look at the small statue of the Virgin Mary that adorned a corner of his kitchen when his doorbell rang, breaking the silence. 

He brushed imaginary dust off his grey pants, pulled on his blue henley which Kat said highlighted his eyes, and walked towards the door. 

He took the intercom handset: "Rafael?"

"Yes."

"It's on the second floor, the door at the end of the hallway."

"I'm on my way."

He resisted looking at himself one last time in the mirror, and opened the door.

He heard the characteristic sound of the elevator doors opening, and wondered how he could hear it as it seemed his heart resonated so loud in his chest. Then the footsteps came closer, the lights came on in the hallway, and suddenly Rafael, the man who had occupied his thoughts for all those weeks, months, years, was there in front of him.

There was an embarrassing moment of silence. They had been talking to each other by text message for two weeks, but they didn't know how to greet each other. A handshake seemed too cold after what they had shared.

When suddenly Rafael whispered with his lopsided smile brand, "Come on..." then he stepped forward with the assurance that was his, took Sonny's face in his hands and, drawing him towards himself, gently kissed him. Leaving Sonny no time to react, he stepped back, placed his hands on his shoulders, turned him over and pushed him inside his apartment repeating, "Come on Sonny, we'll be better off inside.

That was enough to bring Sonny out of his torpor and he became himself again. As if this simple gesture by Rafael, though far from being insignificant, had erased all his apprehensions. After all, if the evening started like that, it was going to end well, wasn't it?

He went to the other side of the kitchen counter. 

"Would you like a glass of wine?"

"I'd love one." Rafael smiled at him and asked, "May I look around?"

"My shoe box? Of course."

Even though he didn't care how little his home was, Sonny liked what he had done with it and judging by Rafael's looks and appreciative comments, he didn't mind what he saw.

Sonny walked over with their two glasses and put them on the coffee table before sitting down at one end of the couch, leaving Rafael the choice of where to sit. Rafael, not fooled, sat down next to him, letting their thighs touch each other. Then Rafael grabbed their two glasses, handed one to Sonny and said, "I know I'm the guest, but would you let me make a toast?"

Sonny nodded.

"So here's to us. To a new chapter, a blank page where everything remains to be written," then he tinked his glass with Sonny's before taking a sip.

Sonny, with a tight throat, softly replied, "To us." before putting his glass down, unable to take a sip immediately. 

"I have to..." 

He didn't finish his sentence, he got up and walked to the kitchen, pretended to check something in the oven, trying to regain his composure. He didn't know why all of a sudden he felt like crying, he didn't want to spoil the magic of the moment and took long breaths to calm down. He hadn't heard Rafael, who was intrigued by his behavior and has followed him.

"Sonny?"

He stood with his back turned, shaking his head, unable to speak.

"Was it something I said? Or did?"

Sonny shook his head again.

"Explain to me Sonny, remember we promised each other, the truth, no pretense. We don't read between the lines anymore."

Then Rafael stood in front of him, raised Sonny's head and, seeing the young man's bright eyes and upset look, put his hand on his cheek.

"Oh Sonny... let's go sit down."

Sonny let Rafael guide him, ashamed to be once again the less mature of the two, which brought tears to his eyes again. Rafael sat down, beckoning Sonny to sit down next to him. Then he simply took his hand and said, "You speak as you want Sonny, there is no deadline, no pressure here, just us. Take your time, but I want you to talk to me."

After a few moments of silence, Sonny looked up and started, in a broken voice, "I'm sorry..."

"Let's start with that, why are you sorry Sonny? Why do you feel compelled to say this?"

"Well, you see it don't you? I'm ruining what could be a happy moment and you have to take care of me, again."

"Okay, time out. Who says you're ruining the evening. Sonny, I knew the evening would be emotional even though we've shared a lot over the last few days. I don't feel like I have to take care of you, I'd even say I like it more if you let me take care of you. Sonny, you don't have to play the strong man, I know you are strong, you don't have to pretend to be strong for me to stay. You're the one who said no pretense, sincerity. So be you. Tell me what you want to tell me, tell me what's in your heart, tell me-"

"I love you! This is what I have on my heart, in my heart, I love you! And I know you know it, and not knowing how you feel drives me crazy!"

Sonny put his hand over his mouth, realizing what he had just said. Rafael exhaled for a long time as if he was holding his breath. Then he took the hand that Sonny had put over his mouth, kissed the palm and said, looking up and planting his eyes into Sonny's, "I love you too. You, Sonny Carisi, I love YOU." 

Sonny's emotion was so great that he thought it would overwhelm him. There was a pure, wild joy that took his root in Rafael's eyes, a joy that swept everything over him, leaving him raw. And he didn't hold back any longer, throwing himself on Rafael, he embraced him with all the strength of the emotions that ran through him, tilting him backwards. When he pulled back, they both laughed. Until Sonny's laughter turned into a sob. He didn't really know why he was crying, but he didn't try to hold back, he didn't want to, he didn't feel the need to retain them anymore.

Rafael seeing this drew him up against him, his head against his chest, wrapped his arms around him and whispered his lips in his hair, "I have you Sonny, let it all out, I have you," and repeated it over and over again, until he felt Sonny letting himself go against him, until he felt him getting heavier against him. 

They moved around a bit, he moved Sonny so that they were both in a more comfortable position.

Rafael continued to hold Sonny close to him, feeling with his slow, steady breathing that he had fallen asleep. As he bent over to look at his face, passing his fingers over his relaxed features, he wondered how long it had been since Sonny had been able to let his guard down and be himself in front of someone else. 

He let himself go too, feeling the emotional as well as physical fatigue of his journey weighing down on him, and he fell asleep, his breathing synchronizing with Sonny's.

He woke up a few moments later, a tickle sensation on his face. He opened his eyes and just saw Sonny's hand withdraw. Rafael grabbed him by the wrist and simply said, "It's okay Sonny, you can go on..." 

before lowering his eyes to the younger man's face. 

While they were taking their little nap, Sonny had turned onto his back, his head on Rafael's lap. Sonny, apparently feeling much more confident, straightened up and straddled Rafael, leaned forward towards him, putting his forehead against Rafael's, he said again, as if to affirm to him and Rafael, "I love you," before kissing him passionately. 

They stayed like this for a long time, separating only to tell each other how they felt, then rejoining in a kiss after the words had been spoken. Until their stomachs reminded them that it was late and that they hadn't eaten yet.

Sonny prepared two plates for them and they preferred the sofa to the table finely decorated by Sonny, because they didn't need decorum, they didn't need to pretend anymore.What they wanted more than anything else was to be close to each other, to touch each other, to make tangible and real this closeness that they had begun to build through texts.

They were aware that it would take time to fill the void that one had left in the other, to fight the demons that would come or come back sooner or later to haunt them, that life was not limited to the reunion, to those moments together, that it was hard but real. 

Yet also aware that there were two of them now, one with the other, one for the other. Together against obstacles. Sonny was going to have to learn to lean on Rafael, Rafael was going to have to learn to reveal himself, to say what he felt to Sonny. They were going to learn that it didn't make them weak. 

It wasn't a happy ending, it was a happy beginning, an unknown territory for both of them where everything had to be built. And it was perfect for them.

Later in the night, full and simply enjoying each other's presence, they were embraced on the sofa, Sonny holding Rafael's hand in his. Rafael saw him reach out his other hand to grasp his phone on the coffee table. Sonny took a picture of their two hands linked together, tapped on his phone and then put it back down. Then he leaned against Rafael with a sigh of contentment. 

Tightening his arm around Sonny's shoulder, Rafael asked him, curious, "What was that?" He felt Sonny smile against his chest before he replied, "I just sent a little message to our cupid." 

Rafael smiled knowingly and then he kissed Sonny's head before indulging in the sweetness of the moment.

_________

At the same time, a few miles away, grumbling because she was awake by her cell phone vibrating, Kat grabbed it and looked who dared to send her a message at this time of night. 

Half dazzled, she saw that it was Sonny, she opened the message and saw a picture two hands joined and just one word: _Thank you_.

She put her phone back on her bedside table, turned around and huddled up against the warm body next to her, she whispered, "Happy Valentine's Day Sonny. You deserve it."

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Happy Valentine to the Barisi fandom.  
> May we all have in our lives now or later a love similar to that of the ship we are fans of!


End file.
